I know, I know…

“Why don’t you post more?”

No. Wait… no one’s asking. (insert sad emoticon)

Well, Michelle (recently inserted daughter) has been kicking my ass. Don’t get me wrong. She’s an angel. Serious sweetheart.  But she is time consuming.  The only way I’m writing now is because I slipped her some extra warm milk for lunch. That will buy me approximately 20 minutes.

As any parent can tell you, raising a baby is exceedingly difficult.  The problem is, any parent isn’t willing to share the true and horrifying information with you until AFTER you have your baby.  Before then, they’re all like “Heeeeey… babies are truly a blessing. Really. We’re so fortunate to have her in our life. She’s always perfectly behaved, sleeps all night, feeds herself and the dog, and pays the bills on time.”  After your parenting friends talk you into having a young-un, they spill the beans: “Oh… my… god!  I didn’t know when we’d ever get a full night’s sleep again!  At one point, I had the gun to my husband’s head and was pulling the hammer back when I realized that she had actually slept the entire night.  No way I’m ever having another baby.  But of course… this will never happen to you. Carry on.”

Lying bastards.  

Now that I have joined the unholy fraternity of parenting, I can now let you in on our dirty secret about baby rearing: Sleep and you will take 6 months off, at the very least.  If you are one of those fortunate and exceedingly rare parents, of course.  If you have a “normal” baby, expect not to sleep for the next 15-30 years.

I think we lucked out. Michelle is an ab-normal baby, apparently.  She can sleep until 10am, with one caveat: she wakes up between 4am and 5am like an alarm clock. Every. Day.  So if you don’t mind going to sleep at 7pm or living on 6 hours sleep, you’ll be ok.

Other than that, she is actually an awesome baby girl.  We recently started feeding her solid food.  The horror stories from other parents (the liars) informed us to expect spitting, tantrums and possible knife play.  This couldn’t have been further from the truth.  Michelle actually loves eating rice porridge or pureed carrots.  Who’d a thunk it?

We have also introduced her to the bouncy thingie.  It’s a chair that bounces.  When first placed into this device, she puzzled at me as though I had poured Jell-o pudding in her pants.  After a few days of training, one day a light bulb appeared above her head.  After I stopped screaming at the appearance of a phantom light bulb… she got it.  Her eyes widened, she pushed, the chair undulated… she looked at me again.  ”Ah ha!” she thought… or in baby words “Ga ppppppppppt!”  For the next 30 minutes, she bounced in the chair as though she were preparing for an NBA career.

Michelle does not like crawling.  If you place her on her stomach and move her legs, she’ll bury her face into the rug and scream.  She’ll inch-worm herself forward, arms dragging at either side as if paralyzed by gravity, but she’ll scream, leaving behind a drool path.  It’s like watching a slug.  A screaming slug.  Is this how it’s supposed to work? 

Michelle has found that she likes to walk.  Hold her up and she’ll stomp her way toward any to-date unprotected and exceedingly sharp table corner.

Oooops. Crying alert.  My 20 minutes are up.  Later. 

11 months ago  /  23 notes