This America: Today’s Guest, Zombie George Washington.

This America is dedicated to following America’s evolution as a democracy.  Weekly, we’ll feature guests that have played a significant role in creating the United States as we know it and get their take on how they think we Americans today are nurturing the breadbasket of democracy that they forged with their own tireless efforts.  These people are dead.

Today’s guest is George Washington, the zombie.  Mr. Washington was the first president of the United States and credited as one of the founders of our current system of democracy.  In defense of our freedom from the British Monarchy, Mr. Washington nearly froze off his nuts.

Blobert: Good morning Mr. President and welcome to the show.

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuuuugh. (drools)

Blobert: Mr. President, how have we done?

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Uuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuugh. (claws at microphone)

Blobert: I see. You think that some of our most influential voices have misconstrued the original intent of the so-called “founding fathers”?

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Blobert: They’re taking the Constitution too literally? Please explain.

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainzzz. (swats at Blobert’s head)

Blobert: Interesting. Please go on.

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Uuuuuuuuu…

Blobert: Mr. President. Certainly you’re not implying…

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuugh.

Blobert: Sorry I interrupted you. Quite right. Please go on.

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Blobert: But Mr. President, women’s suffrage and civil rights are widely seen as basic tenets of democracy. No one would repeal…

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuugh.

Blobert: Former President Bush wanted to repeal women’s suffrage and civil rights?

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuugh. (nods)

Blobert: Ah, yes. I forgot that zombies see the past. 

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuugh.

Blobert: And Mr. Bush was drunk the entire time? Hm.  Many have cited the fractured Tea Parties with having changed the political discourse over the past two years. Do you see these many manifestations of the Tea Party as having a serious role to play or has their existence been over emphasized merely for media benefit?

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. (eyes roll, tongue protrudes)

Blobert: Well said, Mr. President. Having seen Sarah Palin’s rise, based on your own historic and unprecedented experience, do you think that Mrs. Palin exemplifies the stature of a United States president?

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuugh. (skin sloughs from face)

Blobert: Ah.  You believe that, like the Tea Party, her rise to prominence is merely a speculative play by the media to tap public sentiment, both positive and negative?

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Blobert: So Mrs. Palin would have been a Red Coat? Interesting.

Mr. Washington: Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainz.

Blobert: (chuckles) Mr. President… zzzzzzzing.  Sir, I know you’ve got a busy schedule today… I believe you’ll be attending the G20 Summit in search of brains and human flesh, so one last question: What are your impressions of the technological advances that have taken place since your presidency?

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuugh. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Blobert: Yes. So technology may foster democracy by providing a medium for more interaction with a growing electorate, specifically in emerging economies, but you believe that technology, specifically social networking is at risk of being leveraged against society in a manipulative way that in the long term harms democracy?

Mr. Washington: Uuuuuuuuuugh. (drools)

Blobert: Thank you, Mr. President.  And on this Veteran’s Day, I thank you for your service.

Mr. Washington: (attacks Blobert)

Blobert: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! (bones cracking)

1 year ago  /  2 notes