blobert.

I can't listen to Brazilian climate initiatives on the Amazon without thinking about tall, scantily dressed, sweat-drenched, shaved women.

Think about the beach. (scrrrrrrr-tch)

Think about the beach. (scrrrrrrr-tch)

Think about the beach. (scrrrrrrr-tch)

Ughhhh… how I hate Leg Shaving Day at Grandma’s.

Christmas and the Seven Habits of the Highly Effective School Ground Bully.

1.       Brush your teeth.  Green teeth are an unnecessary distraction to your larger and more important ulterior motives.

2.       Seek eye care for Yellow Eye.  Clear vision is your ally.

3.       Ensure evil side-kick meets the critical 1.05 Bully-to-Evil Side-Kick weight ratio.

4.       You strike more a more fearsome reputation by focusing your efforts on larger pack members like Flick and less on the smaller, like Randy.

5.       Never accept the first “uncle”. Always insist on a third or even fourth “uncle” in order to assert true dominance over pack.

6.       Keep an eye on that Ralphie guy.  He’s a time bomb waiting to go off.  If you’re going to nail him with a snowball, put a rock in it first.  You want him to go down and stay down.

7.       No squirrel-skin fur hats.  The discriminating school ground bully opts for Eddie Bauer’s black leather Bomber Hat, paired with the wool-lined Rugged Leather Glove.

You ever Google “orgasm” then forgot to delete it from your search history only to have to explain why “orgasm” is in your search history to the tech guy when he comes to remove the spyware that installed when you clicked “I’m Feeling Lucky”?

Yeah, me neither.

"Masturbating"

marleymarley:

I did it wrong, didn’t I.

I’m afraid so.  See, you’re supposed to report the “Orgasming” part.

Quick... how do you get Cheese Whiz out of a keyboard?

Now that I’ve primed you, how do I get this dead hooker out of my boss’ office?

The Creative Process.

Achieving good comedic writing requires the same deft deftness as would be required to, say, kill a musk ox with a pair of Speedos.

By following the carefully crafted steps below, you too will be well on your way to comedic and homely, blobert-esk, obscurity:

1)      Find a quiet place.  I do this by leaving work.  Being in a busy office or having “business-critical” missions to do all the time really interferes with one’s creativity.  Heck, having a job… who needs it?

2)      Jot down some thoughts.  A pencil and some paper help to accomplish this task.  Otherwise, you may choose to scratch out your random, psychotic thoughts into the paintjob of your neighbor’s Cadillac.  Where mud is available, high-contrast siding also makes for a suitable canvas.

3)      Observe human behavior.  Simply watching people go about their day-to-day activities provides ample fodder for the upstart comedian.  Vantage points as provided from a dark but visible corner in a shopping mall will provide much perspective.  Be sure to dress sensibly such as a trench coat with a wide-brimmed hat, being careful to avoid eye-contact or pepper spray.

4)      Go back to your quiet place.  Did you forget to take your observations back home to write them down?  Cool.  Thought I’d ask.

5)      Refine, revise, repeat.  The key to writing anything worthwhile comes down to the three “R’s”.  Your initial words are never as beautiful or as humorous as they are in your own head.  For example, “Kill.  These voices want me to kill.  Ha haaaaa.  Yes, sweet death” may not adequately convey the comedic effect you desire.

6)      Find a focus group.  Once you’ve whittled down your brilliant 140-character nugget of comedic genius, you need to first test the response to your comedic brilliance.  Force some of your co-workers to sit down and listen to you.  If none of them get up to call the police or assault you with a chair, you’re well on your way to success.  If you are not currently employed, not to worry.  Hobos or other homeless riffraff at your shelter make excellent listening partners.

7)      Tweet or publish.  It’s time to foist your carefully honed and thoroughly tested artwork onto an unsuspecting public.  In no time flat, the responses will come flooding in.

8)      Re-evaluate.  Now that the responses have flooded in, you realize that no one gave a flittering crap about your carefully honed garbage except for Betsy, or as she’s better known at the shelter “Betsy Wetsy.”  Realization gives way to acceptance when that tweet about cameltoe or some book entitled “Genital Warts: The Zombie’s Guide to Human STDs” has supplanted your sublime work.  Defeated, you drag back into your office, forced to once again earn a salary (which you may use to pay off your enormous student loans) in relative, uncomedic obscurity.

I certainly hope that my own processes will be of some use to you.  Cheers!

A special thanks to Plaid Lemur for today’s inspiration.