blobert.

Great Quotes In My Pants.

All difficult things have their origin in that which is easy, and great things in that which is small in my pants.

Shit: The Show.

Son: Dad, we need to talk.

Dad: Well son, you shouldn’t be talking with a full mouth.

Son: What? My mouth’s not full.

Dad: Will be when you BLOW ME.

the size of your boobs is directly proportional to your stardom. just look at john goodman.

everybody knows a man's brain is in your sweet, sweet boobs

can i have some boobs, please.

Veterans Day Remembrance.

On the submarine, I once slept next to a Mark 48 torpedo. It was cold and hard, thus preparing me for married life.

Hey-oooo!  Zzzzzzing!

All Heart.

A guy I worked with over the summer wears a Polar heart rate monitor.  He was shaped like a bowling pin.

Now mind you, I am not trying to be cruel.  Full disclosure, I used to weigh 300 pounds (136 kilos for non-pounds people and 21 stones for the rest of you nuts).  Yeah, that’s pretty big.  Through ass-bustingly hard work, permanently steering my diet away from fried foods, and exercising daily, I am now a svelte 185 pounds… 84 kilos. 

In my spare time I council overweight and obese people along with the occasional cardiac rehab client.  I racked up a great deal of student loans in order to earn the right to practice this occupation.  I like teaching health and nutrition.  It’s all about improving the quality of your life. 

My friend said he trained for marathons.  Allow me to illustrate the absurdity of that comment: he is a bowling pin.  I’ve not seen many bowling pins train for marathons and still look like bowling pins.  Clearly, he was a delusional bowling pin (but not that I would discourage him from continuing his training).

One day, beaming with pride, he pointed out that according to his Polar heart rate monitor, his resting heart rate was as low as 40bpm.  Astounded by this revelation, I asked to see his monitor.

Polar heart rate monitors are standard fair amongst serious runners and cyclists.  It is not uncommon for one athlete to compare his/her resting heart rate with another similarly trained athlete (a “my-heart’s penis-is-bigger-than-your-heart’s penis” comparison).  A world-class runner, say an Olympic-qualified long distance runner, may have a resting heart rate between 45-50bpm.  Their left ventricle is so large and well-trained that their heart could probably slog along at half that pace if it weren’t for normal SA node rhythm. 

A sedentary individual, say your six-pack-and-bag-o-chips-a-day kind of guy might have a resting heart rate of 65.  He’s waiting for the day his heart cries “uncle” and keels over… keeling him in the process.

My friend was quite proud that, despite gasping for breath at climbing the stairs into my office, in his mind his cardiac health was the picture of lean, mean athleticism.  He was a hungry leopard, ready for the vast planes of the Serengeti.

Looking down at the heart rate indicator, I noted his current heart rate indication of 42.  I patted him on the back, congratulated him on his conditioning efforts, and sent him on his way.  I did not have the heart to tell him that his Polar watch reading was set to percentage.