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GOP Platform 2016: Making America More Greaterer
Section 2: Restoring the American Dream
For too long, a native-born Kenyan has been occupying OUR White House. This is an egregious act. During his seven years in office, Obama, if that is his real name, has made your TRUE Americans, white men, look bad by making us say really stupid things. We wouldn’t say these things under a normal guy presidency, not even if he was, God/Jesus forbid, a Democrat. He has done nothing for the economy except reverse the gains left him by the previous Christian, white president. Now the stock market is teetering at dizzying heights, ready to come crashing down like a stack of empty milk crates. Unemployment is disappointingly low. Bank rates are allowing middle class people the ability to affordably buy a home, making it increasingly difficult for job creators like us to buy homes and rent them out for huge returns. That’s un-American! This Kenyan has even gone so far as to help more people get health insurance… WITH OUR MONEY! We have to do something!
The GOP have a plan. It’s called “Restoring the American Dream” and this is what it is:
1) Get that Kenyan out of the White House
Kenyans are notorious squatters. Google it. Removing one from OUR White House will be no simple task. Electing a strong, Christian Republican should show him we mean business. Everyone knows Kenyans are afraid of confrontation. Google it. Once he sees we’ve elected a strong, Christian Republican, he’ll go running to the hills, oogaly boogaly. Haha. Run, Kenyan! Run!
2) Reopen the free market
Back in the day, we had what was called a “free market” where goods could be exchanged between seller and buyer with no interference from the government. Now, we’ve got so many rules and regulations, our markets are no longer free. Remember when we could buy and sell helpers? This kept the price of our goods low. Now the libs call it “slavery.” Government overreach, we say! People started demanding employers pay them. Ridiculous and clearly damaging to job creators. Unions gave workers the collective ability to press employers for safer work environments, health insurance and a living wage. These things nearly destroyed us. Now that the GOP have very nearly eliminated all labor unions in America, the next step is to bring back low-cost labor. The libs will get their panties in a bunch but if they want their iBloops and eThigamajigs at a low price, then they’ll have to get on board. We’ll start by forcing all Democrats to work for free. This will create jobs for everyone and increase economic efficiencies.
3) No Taxes, Ever.
Who likes taxes? Us neither. We don’t have kids in your school so why should we pay for it? We don’t drive on your roads (our butlers might), so why should we pay for them? Taxes are stupid. Under GOP rule, there will be no more taxes for those hurt most by them: millionaires. Under our current tax structure, some millionaires actually pay tax. This is unheard of. In most countries* millionaires pay no tax whatsoever. Neither should you! Less taxes mean better schools, better roads, better bridges, cleaner water, uninterrupted electricity and, most importantly, no government. They’ll go broke and be forced into foreclosure. The GOP rules committee will then buy it and then you’ll see real change. (TBA)
*no country
4) Controlling the Budget.
Government spending is all waste and fraud. If you’ve ever watched 60 Minutes, you’d know this. Schools? Waste. Environmental protection? Fraud. Roads and bridges? Who needs ‘em. Social security? Get rich or die. Medicare? There’s 0.0001% fraud in Medicare, so FRAUD! Government spending has gotten as bad as it is in Europe, and you know how bad Europe is because we keep implying that it’s bad. Don’t bother looking it up or asking a European. It’s bad. Take our word for it. Under the GOP plan, government spending of YOUR tax dollars will go to zero.* You heard us. Zero.* No spending.* None.* Zilch.* You’re gonna get a big, fat refund for all of YOUR hard earned dollars.**
*except for $2 trillion in discretionary defense spending in GOP held districts
**not really
5) Ending the American Nightmare of Home Ownership.
Owning your own home is hellish. There’s nothing fun about it. You have to fix this, hammer that, paint this, bury the neighbor’s dog behind the garage that. What a nightmare! Under the GOP plan, we’ll take that home off your hands and rent it back to you at fair market price. Let us handle those pesky repairs, cleaning up after a flood and pay your utilities. What could go wrong?
6) Freedom in the Workplace.
We know what those liberal commies will say, “Freedom in the workplace is code for employers to have the right to terminate your job at their discretion with no reason whatsoever.” Well, yes but liberals are so stupid. If employers couldn’t arbitrarily fire you, offices would be full of non-motivated workers. Workers need to have the fear of job loss continually dangled above their lazy, web-surfing heads at all times.
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GOP Platform 2016: The Force Awakens
Section 1: Preamble
We the half the people of America, the more greaterer half, do, so imbued by our Creator, the Lord God, Jesus or God, we’re frankly confused by this, entrust and enshrine this, our 2016 Platform. May it shine a beacon of democracy on the entire world, spreading God’s and/or Jesus’ word while simultaneously smiting all Muslims, homosexuals and abortion providers.
We, the half of freedom-loving America, do establish rules for the liberal, freedom-hating, government loving Democrats and undecideds to follow so that they may see the light of freedom by abiding with our rules or leaving this free country.
Set forth here, some clarifications:
1) We are not racists. We only dislike Obama because of his funny name, given to him by a Muslim, and because he does not have the required lightness in his skin to be president over this God/Jesus-fearing nation of freedom lovers.
2) We are not anti-woman. Once we have assumed rule over all aspects of America, women will still enjoy the same freedoms they now enjoy under Obama’s caliphate with several notable exceptions:
a. No more complaining about equal pay. We, the GOP rules committee already know you gals are paid the same as men because there is only one currency here, the American dollar.
b. Women may work as long as their immediate supervisor has accepted our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, and has a pee pee.
c. Women should remain as fertile for as long as possible. Any woman of child-bearing age (12-73) found not to be pregnant during the GOP rule will be subject to immediate impregnation.
d. Birth control will be labeled as a Class 1 Carcinogen, whether or not it’s true. Who knows. Science is the work of Satan.
3) Gays are evil by choice. You homosexuals will be given a one-year period in which to renounce your gayly ways and report to your nearest Pray Gay Away Center (TBA). Any person found to be wearing clothing of the opposite gender or walking in a way that looks totally unman or unwoman will be detained by authorities for immediate prayer (see Normal Police, Section 3).
4) Guns. Guns keep us free. Without guns, Obama would be president forever and he’d be forcing all his unbelievable, freedom-stealing rules on you. Guns keep the peace. If you think someone looks Muslim, show them your gun. Don’t like that policeman for pulling you over for driving 45 in a 35, show him your gun (#BlueLivesMatter). Your neighbor refuses to keep his lawn cut to the maximum height as required in the HOA covenant? Show him your gun. See? Gun equals Freedom.
5) America is Free. No more divisive Obama rules. America will be free. (Please refer to items 1-4, above)
America is an exceptional country empowered with American Exceptionalism. Anyone who says otherwise is a loser jerk. May God/Jesus bless you.
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News:
Let’s not pay attention to what Sanders, the only Jewish person running for president, has to say on Israel. We want to hear from the Cuban-Canadian guy nobody likes and the orange guy who used to own a beauty pageant.
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GOP Town Hall
Trump: I like the Pope. He’s an idiot and a loser and nobody trusts him but he’s a great guy.
Cooper: HAHAHAHA!
Trump: I’m going to blow up Syria.
Cooper: Let’s move on to another question.
Guy: Um, I think Trump just said he was going to blow up Syria. Shouldn’t you get him to elaborate?
Cooper: What? No. This is non-confrontational. Chill. We good.
Trump: Seriously. I’m going to drop a nuclear bomb on Syria.
Guy: Follow up?
Cooper: Do you have a question?
Guy: Ok, sure. Mr. Trump, you just said that you are going to blow up Syria…
Trump: No I didn’t.
Guy: Yeah. You just said it.
Cooper: Look, NO CONFRONTATION!
Trump: Unfair question. I’m suing!
Cooper: Don’t worry Mr. Trump. Code 13.
(bodyguards swarm on guy in audience)
Cooper: See. We just had him removed. Sorry, Mr. Trump. Here, have a soft pillow.
Trump: (yawn) Thank you, Anderson. (yawn) But I’m still suing… zzzz zzzz
Cooper: (to audience) Ok you guys. Try to be quiet for 30 minutes or so. Mr. Trump is having some quiet time.
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Rubio: I will be the most technologically advanced president in history. I’ll receive all my security reports in XML via a 256-bit encrypted satellite uplink that is hard wired onto my motherboard.
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Carson: There are so many unnecessary regulations in medicine. For example, how come we can’t harm people? That’s impeding our medical progress.
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Guy: Dr. Carson, what is your plan for creating an environment for better jobs and opportunities in America?
Carson: Hey, I’ll just say a bunch of pointless shit that doesn’t really answer your question.
Cooper: I won’t follow up on you’re not answering the question.
Carson: Thank you.
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Ted Cruz tops GOP field for first time in new national poll - CNNPolitics.com →
So, hey Republicans.
You have a choice between a pompous jerk and a pompous jerk. Good luck.
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I see white and gold
…but the dead one is clearly gold.
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New GOP Message:
“Poor people are ripping us off. Not the old people who make up the majority of our support and who rely on government funded medical support, retirement pensions, pharmaceutical payments, and food aid. No, those other poor people.”